


Red vs Food

by BloodBagguettesBlood



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Other, lots of food mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-30 16:50:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13955871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodBagguettesBlood/pseuds/BloodBagguettesBlood
Summary: The Reds and Blues have had a lot of problems over the years. Freelancers, mercenaries, pirates, rogue AI. But one thing they’ve never had trouble with is food. Until now that is.





	Red vs Food

Back in Blood Gulch they would have food shipments delivered by Command. When they were searching for the Meta, Washington would divide up his rations from Recovery Command. And Chorus had plenty of space for farming and agriculture (Plus all the food stolen by Felix and Locus). But now, on Iris, the Reds and Blues were more or less left to themselves.

“Waaaaaashingtooooon.” Caboose came into the front room of Blue Base, looking like a tired puppy. “I’m hungryyyyyyyyy. Can you make some foooood?”

“Caboose, please don’t ask Wash for- oh. Hey Wash.” Tucker said, following close behind Caboose. “How’s it going?”

“Don’t ask me for what, Tucker?” Wash said. He was cleaning his gun for the third time today.

“Oh, it’s nothing, it’s just...the last time you made us dinner it didn’t go so well.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well you took us hunting and cooked the meat on a campfire. Badly.”

“Well I’m sorry, Tucker, but I’m not used to cooking dinosaur.”

“I thought it was delicious, Agent Washington.” Caboose said, his mood lifted.

“Caboose, you almost got killed by dinosaurs! And you threw up in your helmet.” Tucker said. “Like three times!”

“Oh I just do that sometimes.”

“Listen Wash, no offense, but if we don’t get some real food soon I’m gonna have to start eating the furniture.” Tucker said.

“Would you two calm down. Carolina’s in the kitchen right now getting some dinner ready, okay? And we should really get someone to look at Caboose’s stomach.”

“Wait a second,” Tucker said, “Carolina can cook?”

“Wait a second,” Caboose said, “we have a kitchen?”

“Yes, Tucker. She’s the most highly trained Freelancer of all time, I’m sure she can make dinner for four.”

“Highly trained, huh? Tell me more about the Freelancer home ec classes. What, do you punch the food until it’s cooked?”

“Okay, so we weren’t trained to cook, but we were taught basic survival skills. And we did have lives before then, you know.”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure Carolina spent a lot of quality time with her parents in the kitchen.”

“Well...she…”

Before Washington could come up with a response, the smoke alarms went off, and they could hear Carolina yelling.

“Oh Jesus.”

The Blues ran to the kitchen and found Agent Carolina beating the flames out of a pan with a towel.

“God dammit!” she yelled, as the fire died out.

“Carolina!” Washington shouted. “What’s going on in here?”

“What does it look like?” She said. “Who’s hungry?”

The three of them looked at the burnt food in the pan. Tucker picked up a piece of it and smelled it.

“What kind of meat is this?”

“That’s potato.” She said.

“Oh.…” Tucker put it back in the pan. “...it looks great.”

They all just stood and stared at Carolina and the pan she was holding.

“It’s getting cold you guys.” Carolina said, annoyed.

“I’m pretty sure whatever is in that pan is warm blooded.” Tucker said, making sure to take a half step behind Washington.

“Okay, why don’t you try cooking, Tucker?” Carolina said, tossing the pan onto the stove.

“Me? I can’t cook. I’m a lover, not a cooker.”

“Alright, what about Caboose?”

“We don’t even give him real bullets anymore, I’m not gonna give him sharp objects and fire.”

“Well then maybe Wash could-”

“No thank you!” “I’m good!” Caboose and Tucker replied in unison.

“Well what the hell else is there to eat?” Carolina asked.

“Actually,” Washington said, looking out the window towards Red Base, “I have an idea.”

 

 

“Simmons! What the hell did you put all over my picnic table!?” Sarge shouted at his second in command as he carried a cooler out to the rest of the Reds.

“That wasn’t me sir. You put Donut in charge of table setup.” Simmons said, setting condiments on the table.

“Donut. Explain yourself!”

“I put a tablecloth on it, sir.” Donut said.

“Why would you do such a thing? How will anyone be able to see my craftsmanship when you cover it up!”

“No offense sir, but I don’t think gluing a few chairs to a wooden crate counts as craftsmanship.” Grif said. He was standing at the grill seasoning the steaks.

“Quiet Grif. I put hard work into that.”

“I think you did a great job sir!” Simmons said.

“Thank you, Simmons. At least somebody here knows hard work when they see it.”

“Hey, grilling is hard work too.”

“Yeah, Sarge.” Donut said. “You really gotta appreciate the way Grif handles his meat.”

“Oh god, Donut.” Simmons said under his breath.

“That’s enough complimenting Grif for today.” Sarge said. “Donut, I want that thing gone, pronto!”

“Absolutely. The whole world should see what you can do with your wood, sir!”

“For Christ’s sake, Donut!”

 

 

“What the hell!” Tucker said. “Where did they get food from!”

“Oh yeah.” Washington said. “Before we left Chorus, Grif asked the army for food donations”

“Which army?” Tucker asked.

“Both.” Washington said, as he lowered the sniper rifle scope. “So, Tucker, you think you can pull this off?”

“Hold on,” Carolina said, “why is he in charge?”

“Well those two know the Reds better than we do.”

“What if...we ask them to share!” Caboose said, more thinking out loud than talking to anyone.

“Well, Tucker does anyway. Besides, maybe it’ll be fun.”

Carolina gave Wash a reluctant nod and walked over to Tucker and Caboose.

“Ok, here’s the plan.” He layed out a map he drew of the bases. “Me and Caboose are gonna sneak around the back of the base and grab as much food as we can while the Reds are distracted.”

“What are they gonna be distracted by?” Wash asked.

“You two.” He points to the map again. “You two are gonna go straight up the front. Sarge will think you’re attacking and leave the food wide open.”

“It’s the perfect plan!” Caboose shouted.

Caboose and Tucker high fived and Carolina gave Washington an angry look.

“We can still go hunt some dinosaur.” Wash said. Carolina groaned and agreed to go through with the plan.

“You’re lucky I’m hungry.”

The Blues moved to a hill nearby Red Base. Tucker gave Washington a flurry of hand signals before heading off with Caboose.

“What did he just say?” Carolina asked.

“I’m sure it doesn’t really matter.”

Tucker and Caboose made their way around the side of the base. They could hear the reds talking in the distance. Suddenly they heard a voice.

“Hey, what’s up you guys.”

Caboose and Tucker both turned around and screamed. They stopped when they saw who had found them.

“Donut! What the hell are you doing back here?” Tucker said.

"This is our base." Lopez said, basically to himself. He was carrying a chair in each arm.

“Why aren’t you with the rest of your friends?” Caboose said.

“We’re just getting more chairs for you guys.” Donut said.

"You aren't carrying any chairs." Lopez said.

“Getting chairs for us? Me and Caboose?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t you be invited?”

"Again, this is our base." Lopez said. 

“Exactly, Lopez. Like one big happy family!”

 "Suspiro." 

“C’mon guys, Grif should be done soon.”

Tucker and Caboose followed Donut and Lopez to the Reds. Wash and Carolina were already sitting with everyone else.

“Took you two long enough.” Carolina said.

“I guess Caboose really does know the Reds.” Washington said. “Come on, I saved you a seat.”

Tucker sat next to Washington, and Caboose sat next to him. Grif served everybody’s plate, still wearing his apron over his armor. Tucker started wondering why he thought he had to steal from his friends.

“Everyone.” Caboose said. “I want to say something.”

“Okay, Caboose.” Washington said. “We’re listening.”

“Church was….Church is my best friend. And I tell him all the time how cool he is and how much I like him. But you guys are my friends too. And maybe since Church isn’t here right now, you can all be my best friends.”

Tucker had his arm around Caboose. Grif and Simmons had quietly clasped hands. Carolina tried not to cry, but she let a few tears fall.

“Yeah.” Washington said. “I’d like that.”


End file.
